one long post....

Hey Everyone! I was planning to blog much earlier, but this week-end ended up being much more difficult than anticipated – emotionally and physically.

The surgery was on Thursday, we arrived at the hospital at 1pm. I changed and was hooked up to IV – and then K and I had to wait for two hours. K downloaded 2 shows for us to watch on his Iphone during the wait time (I love technology!) so the time flew by!

At around 3 o’clock it was time to go in. The nurse wheeled my bed into the surgical area – (I have to say it was kinda fun being wheeled around) – and left me in the hall as I waited my turn. The person just before me had a c-section, and there was another nurse who walked by with a brand new baby. I wanted to sneak a peak, but she walked too fast. Then I watched as the nurse showed the father his new daughter and as the aunt admired her new niece. It was a precious moment for that family! I had to stop my mind from thinking about the reason I was laying there – and stop my self from thinking about how that could have been K admiring our new baby in June.

I was doing good – feeling strong, and then my OB came up to say hi to me. He asked “How are you doing?” I smiled and said “I am doing okay”. Then he bent down very close to me and asked in a quieter voice “how are you really doing?” And that was it – I started bawling…and I couldn’t stop – I couldn’t even answer his question. He was really sweet – he got me some Kleenex, apologized for having me right there at that moment and he even moved me down the hall – away from everyone. He said stuff like “your time will come – this is a hard time in your life, but one day you will be able to look back and it will all be over – you will get through this” etc. It was nice except that once I started crying – I couldn’t stop. Nurses came to talk to me – and ask questions, and I could hardly get any answers out…

Finally it was time for the surgery – I couldn’t wait to be put to sleep, just so that I didn’t have to “be there” anymore. When I woke up, I was in much more pain than I expected. The nurse gave me some morphine for the pain – and it was GREAT! For a moment I understood why people turn to drugs during hard times. (is that bad to admit?) It was just so nice to feel good – and have all my thoughts go fuzzy and fall asleep again. I decided that I wasn’t going to try and be tough…I would take any pain meds they offered. There was enough pain emotionally – If I could get rid of the physical pain I would.

I had to recover in the ICU because I was the last surgery of the day. The nurse there was SO NICE!!! She stood by my bed the whole time I was there. K was allowed to come in and sit with me too. I rested, and had some ginger ale and cookies. And at around 7:30 I was on my way home.

The rest of the week-end I spent resting in bed and crying. I honestly didn’t know that I could cry this much. On Sunday morning, I just felt like I wanted to stay in bed – with the curtains closed – forever – it was like I was slipping into a depression. Later in the day, I decided that I need to rise above this. I need to focus on God. I need to pull out my bible and read His promises to me – especially His promises about how He is WITH ME even through the storms of life. I am continually hanging on to these promises and His word! His peace and comfort are so real to me, especially right now!

K has been so supportive and wonderful! I couldn’t ask for a better husband! He is so strong – so positive – always looking at the bright side, and almost everyday he seems to find a way make me turn from crying my eyes out, to laughing uncontrollable! I thank God for Him!

I also thank God for my wonderful and supportive friends. Not many of my real life friends/family know what his happening in my life – but the ones that do have been great – text messages, phone calls, skype dates and even an afternoon Starbucks treat! ;) All these little things mean so much to me.

And last but not least I am so thankful to God for this online community of friends that I have found. Your emails and comments and checking in on me have ment so much to me! I don’t know how I would have survived this with out you! Honest!

K and I have talked a lot about when to try again. The RE told us that the best time to do a frozen embryo transfer is the first cycle after the D&C because all the freshly healed skin makes it a better environment for the embryo to attach. After lots of discussion, we’ve decided that we are going to wait a bit. I feel like this past year has taken so much out of me. I have tried to hard to stay strong, and be positive and hopeful – and grow closer to God. But after this week-end – I feel like I can’t handle anymore. Physically or emotionally. I don’t want to go to more appointments, I don’t want to take anymore drugs - I want to be able to exercise and get back to my regular size, and plainly - I just want to feel like myself again. So we’ve decided that we are just going to enjoy Christmas – and give ourselves time to heal – time to mourn the loss of our baby, and time to just live our lives - with out our infertility constantly hanging over our heads – affecting everything we do. We haven’t decided when we will do our next transfer….we will just see what happens.

Oh and I've also decided to see a naturopath/acupuncturist who’s office is only about 15 mins away – I will save the rest of that story for another post – as this one is VERY LONG! If you are still reading – thanks for reading!

All in all – I am thankful that this very difficult week-end is finally over. I still have some healing and recovering to do – but all in time.