Do you ever have days when you wake up and just feel like all hope is gone? Today is one of those days for me. I am having such a hard time being positive, and holding back the tears. I am feeling so hopeless. I hate to admit it, but today the negative thoughts are winning.
Two weeks ago, I was supposed to attend a baby shower. The mom ended up going into labour the night before so the shower was cancelled. If I would have gone to the shower that day, I would have been so full of hope and anticipation for what was to come. I would have watched the mother open all the gifts thinking about how next June I will get to celebrate the birth of our first baby. I would have felt so happy about the secret that was inside me. Today is the “rain date” for the shower and I just couldn’t go. I couldn’t sit there knowing that the secret was now my dead baby - still inside me - and knowing that my dreams for next June are just as dead. So now I am sitting at home, alone, and I can’t stop crying.
I am going to see an OB on Monday. I will probably have to have a D&C. Nothing has happened, and that tiny little baby needs to come out. At this point, I don’t really care. I did want it to happen naturally – I just wanted something in this whole process to be natural. But after waiting over a week, I am realizing that waiting to loose the baby that we’ve already lost is harder that I thought it would be.
I had to “fight” all week with my clinic. They really think I am crazy now. They wanted me to go for a D&C at an abortion clinic, (the Dr said that they will do the D&C the best – cause that is all they do, and it saves the “hassle” of being checked in as a patient at the hospital) and they didn’t want to give me a second ultrasound.
Call me crazy, but after all we’ve done to try and get pregnant, I just can’t bring myself to walk into an abortion clinic. And as much as I know what I saw on that ultra sound screen that day – I just can’t have a D&C without a second ultra sound – just to be sure. I can’t really explain it, but this is how I feel.
Finally after many phone calls, canceling 2 D&C’s at abortion clinics, having a nurse who is very frustrated with me and practically begging the OB’s secretary to take me; I have an appointment with a Christian OB and he will give me another ultrasound before the D&C. I am not normally a pushy person, so this was totally out of character for me. But the feeling in my heart was so strong that I had to be “that annoying patient”.
Now I am going to try and pick myself up – get dressed, put some make up on and face the world. I need to buy a sweater or two. The weather here is getting cold, and all my winter clothes from last year are just a little too tight. (another reason I can’t hold back the tears today)
I do know that this hopelessness will pass one day. And I do have hope that my next post will be at least little more positive.
3 comments:
Big hugs K...I really can't even begin to imagine what you have been through. Right now I think I'm about as angry as I've ever been at a RE. I can't even believe that they would send you to an abortion clinic for a d&c. That is just probably one of the worst things I've ever heard. I'm so proud of you for saying no. We can talk on email later...big hugs.
very proud of you for not going to the abortion clinic. you def. didn't need to come remotely close to one of those. proud of you for standing your ground and for letting the re's know what YOU wanted. you need to do what you need to do and what is best for your child....don't let their irritation phase you one more second.
I have been following your blog and praying for you.
I am completely shocked that your RE would not recognize the pure feelings of anger and disgust many people have for abortion clinics. Especially people that would go to the expense and stress of having IVF. You want to bring a life into this world so badly and for the RE to refer you to a clinic that "all they do" is terminate life is the worst judgement a physician could display!
I am wondering if you have other options for RE in your area?
My husband and I were married 2 years when we started trying to have our baby. We went through 1 year with no luck and began tests, etc. It took us 11 years, lots of Clomid cycles, 4 iui, and 2 ivfs before we welcomed our beautiful healthy baby girl last fall.
I am praying that God gives you peace, patience, and direction as you move forward on this journey for your baby.
Don't give up! During that time I had 1 positive pregnancy with IUI that ended early (8 wks.) in miscarriage. We finally came to terms with all the decisions we needed to make to do IVF and I just knew it would work. The 1st IVF was a BIG FAT NEGATIVE! We were crushed! We almost did not go back for the 2nd IVF. We kept praying and we felt that was the direction God was leading us. 2nd IVF was perfect.
I say all of this to let you know that when you are weary, God is your strength. He will make Himself known through his Word (The Bible) and through His people (Christians will offer your words of encouragement as the Holy Spirit prompts them to do so).
In Christ.
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