For the past few weeks every time I sit down to write a blog, I feel like I have nothing to say. TTC “the old fashion way” doesn’t leave me with much to write about. ; )
Everyday I wake up, chart my temperature, take my Unda drops (3 times a day), make sure I get my two tablespoons of flax, sesame, sunflower or pumpkin seeds, make sure my diet is healthy and inline with what the naturopath recommended, take my vitamins, folic acid, probiotic, and fish oil, do some exercises to increase blood flow to my uterus, go for weekly acupuncture, (are you yawning yet?) do the castor oil packs, continue to read anything I can find that will give me more info on "making babies"....etc
All of that, every single day, and the only result so far is….
drum roll please...
I feel healthier. Don’t get me wrong, I am truly thankful for that – I was just hoping for more “positive” results. : )
This last negative cycle left me feeling so emotional. I thought our chances were great – everything seemed to be text book perfect! Sadly there was only one line on the test, and later the same day AF arrived. Every negative is hard but for some reason this one really got to me. I cried pretty much all week-end.
I am really struggling with the area of hope. (again) I feel like this is a constant struggle for me. I will find and memorize scriptures that will build my faith. I subscribe to great devotionals that encourage me to focus on Jesus and keep my hope in Him. I’ll sing worship songs and pray. But when the disappointment of another failed cycle comes – I feel like I fall into the pit of hopelessness for days. How do I change that? How do does a person hang onto hope and faith, when month after month it is met by disappointment and despair?
Commercial break:
I seriously feel bad for my poor husband and my friend A who both have seen me at my worst…when I just can’t stop crying and venting about the most ridiculous things. I thank God for the amazing people He has put into my life.
Back to the blog:
After a lot of talking hubs and I have decided that if this cycle is another negative, we will go for our FET next month. We still have 3 sweet little frozen embryos and we are going to ask to have them all transferred at once.
I struggle with this for a few reasons.
1. We were told that these 3 embryos were not good quality, and I am scared of another failed cycle.
2. The truth is, I am also scared of a positive cycle with poor quality embryos. Loosing our baby was so hard on me, I feel like I wouldn’t be able to handle loosing more.
3. The longer we wait – the longer I can go with out facing my fears.
Side note: Can you imagine how exciting it would be if they all survived and we had triplets???? Is it bad that I really want to hope for that? I want to hope for the best, but deep down I am scared for the worst. Any advice on how to get a grip on the hope issue?
Anyway those are a few of my thoughts….I am off to sleep!
5 comments:
So glad to see an update! I totally understand why you are ready for the fet and transferring all 3...pretty sure I would do the same thing. Glad you are feeling more healthy. Big hugs!!!!!
Hope is one of the most important things in our lives, but also the hardest thing to come by during the difficult times. Keep your head up because you have lots of people praying for you every day. Thinking of that helps me through my times of despair, so maybe it will help you too!? It is healthy to be questioning so many things right now and putting so much thought into every decision. I am thrilled that you are feeling healthy and I will continue to pray for you, your husband, and your baby(ies) to be. Lots of hugs!
Hi! I am brand new to your blog, but I have found so many of your posts to be in-line with how I feel all of the time. I often struggle with these same feelings of hopelessness each time I have a negative cycle. My latest was also this week, and I am in the same routine as you are right now (actually doing almost all of the things you listed day in, day out, no positive results but feeling healthier!) I think you are doing all you can right now - leaning on God and His promises, His truths. That is exactly where He wants you to be. So maybe you can find peace that you are where God wants you right now in the small steps, and trust in His promises that the bigger picture is coming. I know that is so much easier said then done. I will be praying for you, specifically for God to give you peace and hope, and that your FET turns into three healthy triplet babies!
I'm so excited to hear an update. I've been wondering how you have been.
I don't have any advice about the hope thing. That is something that I struggle with too. One day I have lots, the next I can't seem to scrounge any up. I'm trying to learn to have better hope and faith, but I fail at it a lot. I guess you just do your best and keep going on (even though sometimes that is totally hard).
Just know that I'm thinking about you and praying for you. I'm praying for wisdom and peace about your decision to transfer fet and just lots of comfort and patience as you wait. And of course, praying for a sweet baby (or two or three!).
k, I love you... soooo blessed to have you in my life... when you can't hope anymore, I will keep hoping for you...
Always remember (from my favorite poem)
"When there was only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you..."
You are always in my prayers...xo
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